InsaneJournal

Touya's Pride, Part 10 of 11 (NC-17, fic)
Title: Touya's Pride (Part 10 of 11)
Author: Ravenna C. Tan
Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Pairing: Hikaru/Akira eventually, Akira/others, sort of (you'll see)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Non-commercial fanfic.
Summary: Touya Akira loses a match and suffers a crisis of faith. Could wily old Kuwabara-sensei have the answer? Or is the answer to be found in Touya's eternal rival, Shindou Hikaru?
Warnings: This is not a fluffy Aki/Hika fic. There is what could be termed cross-gen/chan, and also psychological manipulation as part of the plot. The sexuality is graphic, but not gratuitous. Touya is 16. Spoilers for the series, also.
A/N: I posted an "intro" to Hikaru no Go for those who want to read the fic without watching or reading the whole series, on LJ and IJ.

Part One is here: LJ and IJ
Part Two: LJ and IJ
Part Three: LJ and IJ
Part Four: LJ and IJ
Part Five: LJ and IJ
Part Six: LJ and IJ
Part Seven: LJ and IJ
Part Eight: LJ and IJ
Part Nine: LJ and IJ





Part Ten

I woke in the morning feeling sore, but never more happy about it. Even my arms and legs felt sore, as if all the straining I had done while coming had been some kind of a workout. I guess it was. I've never been much of an athlete.

To my surprise, Shindou was already up; I could hear the water running in the bathroom. The floor felt cold against my feet and I wondered if the weather had changed during the night. I pulled on a yukata and went to see.

I was even more surprised to see him dressed in his somewhat wrinkled suit. "Going somewhere?"

"Mm-hm," he said, then rinsed out his mouth. "I've got a match today."

I leaned against the door frame. "You said you didn't."

"Yeah, I know."

"You got it mixed up?"

"No," he said, drying his hands. "I didn't want you to say no because of that. So I lied. Is that okay?"

I found myself laughing. "I forgive you this time. But don't do it again, eh?"

"All right." And then he kissed me, tasting of mint.

"You can't play a match dressed like that. Too many people saw you wearing that suit last night, for one thing. And it's wrinkled, and the sleeves are too small anyway." I picked at a loose thread on it. "Just borrow something of mine. We're close enough in size."

I went to dig through my clothes. Other than the special matches, like league matchups and dan challenges, we didn't typically get quite so dressed up, either, and Shindou in particular wasn't known for dressing up. I managed to find a T-shirt that wasn't a hideous color, and a hoodie that I'd never worn.

He held the T-shirt up to his face and took a deep breath, then nuzzled in my hair. "Even though it's clean, it still smells a little bit like you."

That made me blush for some reason.

Pants were a little more difficult, but we did find some that fit him, and then he was kissing me and about to walk out the door. I blushed again, thinking of how my father often kissed my mother before he would leave for a match. "Good luck, dear," she would always say.

"Good luck, Shindou-kun," I said, then let him go.

He held my wrist in his hand, though. "You have a big match tomorrow. Should I... should I stay home tonight?"

I shook my head immediately. "Kuwabara-sensei says sexual frustration is bad for Go, doesn't he?"

He grinned. "And I'll keep you from getting nervous! See you later!"

I closed the door behind him, heart thumping pleasantly in my chest. But now it was time for breakfast, and to log on to the Go server to wait for my father.

I debated seriously as the computer booted up. Kuwabara-sensei would expect me to put the plug in and sit unclothed in front of the screen. I'd pledged to do his bidding until my father returned. But after the events of last night, I was no longer sure how I felt about what had gone on.

Were the lessons any less valuable for the fact that Kuwabara-sensei seemed to have a hidden goal of his own? Hm. From a purely pragmatic point of view, perhaps not. And after all, he had never touched me. Well, a pat on the head, but that hardly felt like perversion to me. No, if Kuwabara-sensei was deriving satisfaction out of what he put me through, it wasn't that kind.

I decided then, to play Father normally. That is, dressed normally and no butt plug, not even the little one. If I won, or if he said I was stronger, I'd get undressed and put one in and wait for whatever lesson Kuwabara-sensei had for me today. If I wasn't stronger, I'd put an end to it.

I locked the front door, then got dressed. A light rain had begun to fall and it made the whole house feel cold. I made myself a pot of hot tea and sat down at the computer. The name "Toya Koyo" appeared on the list and I clicked it.

The board opened up. In the chat window to one side, he greeted me and asked if I thought I was ready to play with only a one stone handicap.

I typed back yes immediately. I would move first, too. The game had begun.

We did not chat at one another while playing. Not typically, anyway. So I was a bit surprised when perhaps a third of the way into the game a message appeared.

You know I cannot take sides in the match between you and Ogata-kun, of course.

Of course, I typed back.

Before you were born, Ogata-kun was nearly like a surrogate son to me. And I have always tried to reward his loyalty. He has not needed me in a long time, though; rarely has anyone risen to 9-dan as quickly as he did.

I just stared at the words, not sure if I was supposed to respond.

He never once appeared the slightest bit jealous of you, which I think shows great strength of character. I am proud that he has continued to call himself my student, even as he grows and should be taking on students of his own.

Part of me wondered, though, if a small piece of Ogata's loyalty was that he wanted to stay near me? Even knowing his feelings for me could never be requited?

But my father was still typing. He will learn that he is still a part of our family, even though we must be ruthless to each other across the board. He understands, as I know you do, Akira-kun, that the pursuit of the Hand of God is a noble one. Facing one another as if enemies when pitted against one another is part of that pursuit, but there is a difference between enemies and rivals.

You will face one another without mercy tomorrow. To do any less would be great disrespect to the game of Go, and to the name of Touya. But you will never truly be enemies, just as you and I will never truly be enemies.

With that, he placed a stone that cut deep in my territory, and I hissed as if in physical pain. I typed back to him: Yes, Father. It will be a good match tomorrow. I feel it in my bones.

We did not say more until we were deep in yose. My one stone handicap had been erased, but I was not dead yet.

The computer pinged softly as another message from him popped up.

Kuwabara-san is fond of saying that it takes two, that the Hand of God is not something a single player achieves. He thinks of it rather like one player is the ladder, the other the climber. I rather believe that both are both as they ascend. Both must go higher and higher or neither will reach the goal.

As the words appeared, I could hear them being spoken in my father's voice, just as if we were sitting downstairs in the Go room, the trickle of the fountain in the background. At the same time, I could not imagine him actually saying these things to me. It was as if the distance between us allowed him to express things he normally would not say. Perhaps to him it felt almost as if he were writing me a letter?

But men are fallible. No player, not even I, makes every move perfectly. So we measure ourselves by wins and losses over each other, rather than against the impossible yardstick of the divine. That knowledge does not prevent us from striving for perfection, though. And I do not think one can predict who the opponent will be who will allow one to achieve that perfection. I look forward to the match between you and Ogata-kun keenly; I am regretful I cannot be there to see it as it unfolds. I know you will both make me proud in your relentless pursuit. There are multiple paths to enlightenment of course, but I am proud to see you both walk the same path with me.

I stared at the words, my thoughts spinning. And I thought I understood, possibly, for the first time, the difference between my father and Kuwabara-sensei.

Kuwabara-sensei won by exposing his opponent's flaws, not only in a player's Go, but in the player's mind and spirit. He delighted in taking advantage of every psychological edge. Was the player nervous? Insecure about something? Overly aggressive? Unfamiliar with the venue? He was the master of finding the chinks in anyone's armour and widening the cracks as much as possible.

My father, I realized, did not do this, because for him the relentless pursuit of a win was because that was the only way to approach the Hand of God. To play with a true heart, in the spirit of competition, one winner, one loser. For all my father's pride, he was also humble before the larger goal. My father's best opponent would be someone who was impervious to psychological weakness, over whom he held no advantage other than the pure strength of his Go.

Another message flashed. It is your turn, Akira-kun.

Ah! So it was. I had already read ahead to the end, but there were a few points where I could not be completely sure what he would do. The result would be close, that much was sure.

I typed back to him. Apologies. I was caught up in what you said. Ogata-san and I will make it a match to remember, Father. I am sure of that.

I made my move and again we lapsed into chat silence, finishing out the game.

I was breathless as the computer tallied the result. He won by a half moku. I blinked.

Well done. Next time we shall play an even match. Thank you, Akira-kun.

Now I really stared. An even match! Father considered me strong enough to play evenly now? The sudden possibility that I might be the opponent he had been waiting for, or that he might be the opponent who helped me to reach the Hand of God, struck me dumb.

I was just typing a reply to him when another one popped up. Your mother wants to drag me to a luncheon with some friends we've made. We shall discuss the game later, all right, Akira-kun? Email me.

And then he signed off.

Father was proud of me, proud of Ogata-san. I suddenly wondered if he would even care about the other things that weighed on me, Ogata's desire, my own, Shindou... Perhaps so long as those things were left behind when we played Go, they wouldn't matter. Wasn't that what I said to him last night? Shindou and Touya would continue to play. Hikaru and Akira would continue to... love.

Maybe that was even going to be necessary, if we were going to keep reaching for the Hand of God all our lives. Not enemies, but something else that bound us together almost like a marriage. Father had said one couldn't always predict who the opponent would be who would help you reach perfection, but I realized I was blessed with three excellent candidates. Shindou, Ogata, and my father himself. All three of whom loved me, each in his way.

There was a knock at the door and I jumped. That had to be Kuwabara-sensei. It was time to face him.

I hurried down the stairs to open the door. His eyebrows flew up as he took in the sight of me, fully clothed and even wearing an argyle sweater, but rather than anger, a delighted light flickered in his eyes.

"Oh, ho, ho, did something happen, Akira-kun?"

I backed up to allow him in, but said nothing until we'd gone into the Go room. "I've decided I'm done with the lessons in humiliation," I said, settling back on my heels.

"Indeed, so I gathered," he said, still chuckling. "May I ask why?"

"Because it is my pride in my play that is my strength," I said. I started out calmly but my voice grew louder as I went on. "I am proud to play Go, proud to be seeking the Hand of God, proud to be a Touya!" I beat my fist against my heart.

"Ahh, I see. And you too, like your father, will move blithely on, with no thought for your opponent at all." He kept his tone his usual teasing sing-song, but there was a hint of an edge to his voice as he went on. "Mere mortals matter not to the likes of you Touyas. Too bad Ogata-kun isn't quite as lofty and free of mortal attachment as you monks are." He chuckled. "No, he likes his earthly pleasures far too much for that, doesn't he?"

I clenched both fists at my sides. "You leave Ogata-san alone! He and I will still be playing for decades after you are gone!"

"Akira-kun, Akira-kun, no need to be so angry. If your Go is as pure as you say, then nothing, not physical rigours nor affairs of the heart will truly affect it, hm?"

But Ogata was fallible. And so was I. Even Father was.

I wondered suddenly if perhaps I was not the first Touya that Kuwabara-sensei had worked his trickery on.

I forced my gritted teeth to relax, and then I bowed low to the mat, my hands on the tatami. "Thank you for all you have taught me, sensei," I said, and I meant it sincerely. "You have taught me lessons no one else could. My Go is stronger for it. I am stronger for it."

"I know, Akira-kun," he said indulgently. "You've grown a lot."

"Thank you, sensei." I held the bow a few more seconds then sat up.

"I wonder when we'll play each other next? Perhaps if you win the right to challenge for the Honinbou title next year?" He waggled his eyebrows as he thought. "You might surpass Ogata-kun, soon, if my intuition is right, and it nearly always is." He chuckled to himself. "And something tells me my tricks won't work on you any more, eh?"

My eyes were wide with sudden shock. Father spoke of many paths to enlightenment. I had assumed Kuwabara-sensei's to be different from ours. But maybe he had moulded me into a better opponent for himself. That seemed the opposite of his usual tactic of exploiting any weakness.

I bowed my head. "I've learned there's a difference between being humiliated and being humbled," I said. "But that the difference is inside me. I can never be humiliated if I am striving for my best game, win or lose." I thought of Ochi, how every loss seemed to cut him to the quick, like some horrible personal affront. I would not, could not, be like that. "And that I am always humble before the Goban, win or lose."

He laughed loudly at that, as if a koi fish had just popped out of the pool and delivered the secret to Nirvana, but well, it probably was my pride that pushed me, at sixteen years old, to make such pronouncements with such confidence. I knew what I knew, and I knew I was not wrong.

We played a game after that, no tricks, no conversation, just the clack of the stones and the occasional crackle of his cigarette.

I resigned when it became clear he was going to beat me, though the game was far advanced by that time. I realized where I'd waited too long to respond, yet it was an excellent game and filled me with a warm, peaceful feeling akin to the one I normally felt when I won.

"Enjoy your match tomorrow, Akira-kun," he said, and bowed to me before leaving. "I know I will." But then as I was about to close the door behind him, he turned back again. "You could break Ogata-kun's heart, you know."

I was startled he would say something like that, but I just nodded and said, "I know."

"And Shindou-kun's, too."

I couldn't hide my surprise at that.

"Be careful, Akira-kun," was his final word, and then he left, letting himself out through the gate to the street.

I went back into the house considering what he had said. I suppose if I valued my opponents, my rivals, then taking care of them and lifting them up with me should be my goal, not crushing them. Well, not while playing Go, that is. If I played with anything less than full commitment to winning, I was not being true to them, either.

I ate a little something, then went around the house making sure I had collected up all the plugs and toys, cleaned them thoroughly once more, and then sealed them in a box and hid it deep in my closet. The bottle of lube I put back in the desk drawer, which was now otherwise empty.

I changed the bedding on the futons and remade them into one large bed, a wide sheet and blanket across both.

And then it was time to wait for Shindou to arrive. I went back to the computer to find email from my father with some thoughts about the game. I emailed him back, thinking I would have to teach him to use instant messaging soon. And convince Shindou to get a cell phone. Where was he?

He appeared shortly after that, though, with take out food in a bag, two servings of ramen and some snacks and drinks. "I figured it's the least I can do," he said, setting up the food on the low table in the dining room. "It's that or start paying you rent."

We ate together, and he told me about his match while we ate, and about how Isumi and Waya were going to move in together...

"You mean together, or just together?" I asked.

"Baka. Just as roommates. Not everyone's as perverted as we are."

"Good," I said. "Not everyone's as special as we are."

"You really believe that, don't you?"

"Yes, don't you? There's always been something that set you apart from everyone else, Hikkun."

He turned thoughtful at that. "I guess you're right."

"Come on, let's replay your match from today."

We went over the day's match, and then I showed him my game with my father, which he had some interesting insights on...

And then it wasn't time for Go anymore. We put the stones away. Hikaru showed me his new toothbrush, which he'd bought today to leave here. It had a picture of Captain Harlock on it, whom he explained was a character from a tv show I'd never had time to watch.

I pulled him down onto the futon.

"Why did you even bother putting pajamas on?" he asked, as he kissed my neck and started to unbutton them.

"Because I like it when you take them off," I explained.

"Ah. Makes sense." He revealed one nipple, then licked it gently. When my reaction was slightly less strong than the day before, he nipped with his teeth and I smacked him on the head reflexively. "Ow."

"Likewise," I said, though I couldn't help but notice that on that bite, my cock had jumped to attention like a raw army recruit. "Why did you bite me?"

He shrugged. "I read that some people like that."

Hm. I sat up. "What about you? Do you think you would?" I grinned toothily at him.

"I, er, uh..." He looked rather unsure about the idea, but I got him out of his shirt entirely and then set about sucking and licking him "there and there." When he was squirming and gasping, I nipped gently and he squealed, but didn't smack me. I did it again, soothing with my tongue immediately, and the sounds he made were only encouraging me to do more.

"What about here?" I asked, my hand finding his erection pushing up past the elastic waistband of his pants. "A little tooth, a little love bite?"

"Baka! Don't be stupid! Nobody could...." His protests dissolved into groans as I licked him there, getting his pants down and then sucking the head into my mouth.

When I grazed him with my teeth it felt like he was about to come into my mouth. I wasn't ready for that, though, and I backed off.

The smug look only stayed on my face for a few moments, though, as he waggled the bottle of lube in my direction then bowed as one does before a Go game, saying the ritual phrase, "onegai shimas'." The phrase means many things depending on the context. Here it was something between "be kind to me" and "let's try this together."

I took the bottle from him and made my hand slick, then I reached for his eager prick, sliding my hand up and down. He shuddered and then I kissed him, sliding my tongue up and down his in time with my hand. I resisted the urge to bite his lip.

When I pulled back, he said, "I think I might like your hand even better than your mouth. But I'll have to try them both again to be sure."

"Tomorrow," I said, tugging at him impatiently.

"All right! All right. You need some of this, too." He picked up the bottle again. I was suddenly glad I'd bought the large bottle. There was still plenty of it left, but I had a feeling we were going to go through it quickly. "Let's try it the other way."

"Try what?"

"You. On all fours."

"Oh." I blushed and it felt good. I waggled my ass in his direction, pawing like an impatient horse.

He kissed my tailbone, then slicked up a finger and worked it in. I groaned.

He slipped it in and out, in and out, then returned with more slippery stuff and two fingers. I pressed back against him.

"You're tighter than yesterday," he said.

"Must be the position," I answered, not sure if it was, or if not wearing a plug today at all might have been the reason. "Or that I'm... well..."

His arm was over my bare back then. "Akira? What is it?"

"Nothing. I'm a little sore from yesterday is all. Not bad, though. The lube is cool."

"Okay." He rubbed the pucker of my ass a few times, then pushed his fingers in again. "This lube tastes terrible or I'd lick you to make you feel better."

"Hikkun! That's disgusting!"

He laughed. "If you say so."

"Just because they do things like that in movies doesn't mean real people... ohhh...." He had twisted his fingers into another position and it felt like something had caught fire inside me and was melting. My cock twitched each time he moved, as if it were a finger puppet and his fingers were reaching right into it. "I think that means I'm ready."

"Okay. Are you sure you want to do it like this?"

"What, this position? Wasn't it your idea?"

"No, yours, yesterday."

"Oh. Yes. Well." I bit my lip. "I feel less like a girl this way."

At that he laughed, but not cruelly. "Akira. You're nothing like a girl."

"How do you know?"

"I just do. Quit arguing. Do you want to, or not?"

That quieted me right away. "Onegaishimas'..." I whispered. Please be kind to me.

I was tighter this time and I bit my thumb to keep from crying out as he pushed into me, a sudden ache almost like from cold throbbing dully inside me, yet I didn't want him to stop.

He did anyway. "Akira...?"

"Move, damn it, move!"

Ah, yes. And now, as he moved, the friction heated things up, and that melting feeling returned. I moaned with pleasure. "Oh yes. Hikkun..."

I came first this time, in thick ropy spurts in time with his thrusts and then collapsed under him as he drove himself to climax, finally falling limp atop me in a damp heap. This meant I was lying on a huge wet spot, but I didn't much care, though I did wonder why I had bothered to put clean sheets on. Maybe a towel next time...?

"What are you thinking about?" he asked dreamily.

"Ramen," I lied.

"Really? Me, too."

"You are not."

"I am. That was good ramen. I'll bring dinner again tomorrow, okay? From there. Unless you have some kind of plans."

"Win or lose... something tells me I'm not going out drinking with Ogata-san, if that's what you mean."

"So are you ever going to tell me what was going on between you and him?"

This time I was ready. "Are you ever going to tell me what was going on between you and Sai?"

We lapsed into silence and after a while I wondered if he had fallen asleep. "Maybe," he finally said. "We'll see."

"Likewise," I said. "It's not important now, anyway. Now get off me so I can get out of the wet place."

Continue to the final chapter!